I came to the realization of something this afternoon; I didn’t want to do this self-initiated ‘challenge’ anymore. The numbers, the micro-management, the small and meaningless attempts at just getting by without ‘breaking the chain’, of which only takes even more time after an already unproductive and stressful day. I’m done with it and that way of thinking. I write this while experiencing a mild headache so perhaps some blame lies within that due to the tone of this post and this seemingly sudden action, but even so, my frustration remains the same. There was a particular tweet I read earlier which resonated deeply within me which caused, in partial, the creation of this post.

 

 

I read this thread and thought, you know what? She is absolutely spot on. I’ve always felt as if unless I am doing something that relates directly to my work, then I am just wasting time. It’s a feeling that gets to you slowly along with doubt and anxiety, and is one that is not easily forgotten, so it’s refreshing to see it in writing, even more so coming from another individual. I understand exactly the type of work I want to do, what I am inspired by, where I am at experience-wise and what I have to do to get there, so why punish myself like this? You could argue that it builds discipline, but to that I say it’s not worth the risk of burning out again, even more so as I come close towards my time as a student and will need to start looking for employment.

What it all boils down to is that I want to work more and be happy and not daily and be stressed.

With this, I aim now to alter my ambitions for this year. No longer do I want to be working every single day like some others do, but to instead focus working more often, and more purposefully which I hope will increase my levels in happiness. The term deep work is something I have come across online and believe to have immense value. In a world where attention is the highest form of currency, having the ability to concentrate and stay focused for long periods of time is something that I know for certain I lack, but need.

I will continue to document here on this journal as I’ve always intended, it just won’t be daily anymore, it may even eventually end up being multiple times a day instead, who knows. Oh, I’ll also get that illustration done ASAP so I can move on from that as well.